Monday, December 13, 2010

An Apple a day. A modern day fairy tale.

Here are a couple of stories for you. A story about a man, and a story about a woman. Not all men, not all women, ok? I don’t need any lectures on how the problem with creating sweeping generalizations, or the evils inherent in reinforcing gender stereotypes. I have lived my life, and sometimes things are what they are. So there. They're just stories.

Once upon a time a woman gave a man an apple. “Thank you” he said. And he ate it. The End.

Once upon a time – a different time – a man gave a woman an apple. And she thought:

"An apple? Is this an apple? I mean, it looks like an apple, so it probably is. But maybe it’s a fake apple, an apple candle or something. Why is he giving me an apple? What does it mean? Is there some Adam and Eve message in this that I’m supposed to get? Something to do with sin? Have I done something that he sees as sinful, and this is his way of telling me? Why can’t he just TELL ME? What’s wrong with him? Or…is it something wrong with me? What’s wrong with me that he has to tell me this way?

Or maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with Adam and Eve. Maybe it’s a Snow White thing. Is he trying to poison me? No, that makes no sense. Maybe it’s a student teacher thing? Does he want to try some naughty student-teacher game? Or does he think I’m turning into a teacher? Is THAT it? Is he trying to say I’m BOSSY? How dare he? I’m totally not bossy. Well, I don’t think I am. Maybe I am, and everyone knows it but me. And they’re all laughing about it. Laughing at me. Because I'm bossy and unaware of my own bossiness.

No, wait, this is getting silly. Maybe it’s an apple because he likes apples. So what does he want me to do with it? Am I supposed to cook something for him? Is this a hint to buy apples and make him an apple pie or something? Who does he think I am? I’m not his mother or his cook, if he wants apple pie he can make his own damn pie. Or maybe…maybe someone else is making him pie, and he’s trying to save the marriage, by having me make pie too. That’s it, he’s seeing someone else, and she’s thinner and prettier than I am AND she makes pies and and and”

The woman bursts into tears, and leaves the room, heartbroken but confidant that the man will fix everything because of course he knows exactly why she left in the first place. The End.